"Bad Song"

Wanted to die, there is no God, no grace, its a trap,
 I came here from somewhere get caught and now unable to leave,
Nothing excite, nothing exhilarate, no thought supporting positive seems convincing,
Nobody seems close, there isn't  any single reason to live,
 This is life after death, life is already over,
And now I am out of this illusion that there is always hope and something Good will happen.
It seems the more I am trying to go up the more I am coming down,
 I feel vacant, empty, Incomplete, so far from what I wanted that now I had almost forgotten what I was looking for was fulfillment,
 but now I know that incompleteness is my creator.
Feeling as if I am in deep shit, so much inside that entire life's attempt will be less for coming out,
 I am scared that the realization for which I was living as an explorer won't bring me to the conclusion that I am an insect destined to live and die with and inside shit.
It seems that the biggest of all problems is to keep the passion to live.
(They are just feelings they come and go don't worry, it was essential to bring them out, so they are here)

The End of Everything

Everyday without change the worst moment is the morning when I have to get up from bed and the best moment is when in night I go to sleep, sounds strange but not for me but why ? What happens in between, I thought for the reason and got that I actually live truly when I am asleep, and in the morning, I used to realize that this is the world of Performance, I have to perform beside everyone sometimes as a friend, a student, a son, a brother, a candidate, a citizen or a professional. Beside every face there is a Judge, for every act there  is Judgement, for every judgement there are opinions, for every opinion there are views, for every view there are likes or dislikes, and  people feel proud for their likes or dislikes.

Where for every thought there are processes,  people learn process and they call it research,those who knows maximum numbers of process are also rewarded and respected, for every truth there has to be proofs, for every desire there is limitation, for every word there are synonyms and sometimes the synonyms has more importance than truth, where with feelings comes possessiveness, with possessiveness comes desire to control that is attempt to seize your freedom, with desires comes selfishness and selfishness is suggested as essential ingredient for survival. 

 Where for love there are standards to achieve there is investigation for being trusted and you shall be believed when you will pass the exam, there are Ideals for every action, where achievements are more important than innocence, where those who are considered successful are given the licence to suggest everyone, where if you are not trying to impress others you are declared antisocial, there are never ending tracks where you will be forced to run as fast as possible, where people will suggest you don't do what you enjoy but do that which can impress and entertain, where artificial smile brought awards, where greatest puppets where adored as masters, where its not important how much you feel the more important is how you convince, where its not important what you see the more important is how you describe.

This is the End of Everything, everything that is meaningless but new, everything that is ordinary but beautiful, everything that is purposeless but interesting, everything that is directionless but brings endless satisfaction, everything that cannot be Judged, cannot be described, cannot be defined, cannot be confined, cannot be controlled, cannot be possessed, and cannot be taught.

                         ( From the pages of my diary written on 25th Feb 2012)

Sometimes for someoene

Sometimes my chosen Loneliness gets boring and I find it difficult to share it with anyone,
Sometimes I feel alone even when people are around and no help comes,
Sometimes people leave me even when I need them and I hope for someone who would come searching for me,
Sometimes I feel I am good for nothing and then I find for someone who would always love me irrespective of what I am and what I shall be,
Sometimes I feel awesome and start singing in the middle of the road,and I think for someone pure non-judgmental who could always appreciate even the worst of my performance,
Sometimes I feel why I always wait for someone and why that someone is not with me since I took birth,
Sometimes I doubt Will I be ever comfortable with that someone as much I am with wind or as much I am with my breath,
Then sometimes I think why we need to search for someone special,
Why we don't come in world with our someone and have a beautiful life of Togetherness,
Why we need to search for it, then separation, despair, frustration ,emptiness ? ? ?

The Discovery.

There is no I, there can never be I, it's only He who exist's. I am not what I appear, I am not a 'Self.' I am not what my Ego decides, I am a seeker, the almighty himself trying to describe through me.
I have always thought that I am a lost traveler but who has lost and where ? The travel itself is me, I am a journey whose shelter are the halts. I am the admirer of the beauty which constitutes the almighthy.
 My search for him keeps me so restless that now it seems that my dreams are the dilemma created by my conscious to keep me engaged on nights.
I am the drop of hope rolling continuously in dessert to meet the ocean.
I am a challenge to overcome the limitation of physical existence.
I am the End of the Bird's flight yet to be started.
I am the walk which never Ends,
I am the sleep always awake,
I am the Run which never complete,
I am the ever present Dance in the heart beats of each soul,
I am the unstoppable music from the breath of each creature,
I am once and I am ever,
I am one and I am all,
I shall never Begin because I was, I am and I shall be.
(From the pages of my dairy on 23rd Feb 2012, written at home in Gomoh)

"The Unrest"

The Unrest, My Unrest is driving me Crazy, it may lead me to Craziness, but I know Craziness can never be an End, it can be a Symptom, an outcome, a stage, an origin but not an End.

Very recently I encountered the Existence of this Unrest in me which however has always been present more dominant than any other feeling. So this Unrest has made me know that you are Dissatisfied with something, however I have always been Ignoring someone other than Ego within me but my Endless Restlessness had made me believe that this Unrest has an Existence.

So now the puzzle is what to do with this Unrest, may be it is Just an Temporary matter solving which I would come to an inference that actually these are just dilemma's happening one by one to get my attention and their dominance is an engagement created deliberately since something must go on, a manifestation of nothingness trying to appear as something. 

Now the puzzle turns to the question, who is the one in me who gets to know that this a temporary matter, may be all temporary matters are followers of Ego, and Ego is able to create them because it is having strong hold within, as powerful within as in outside.

So the answer is I am dissatisfied because I have Ego and why I let this Ego being so powerful because of my insurmountable believe that I am a unique creation, made specially, different from rest and has always been unable to get out of this believe. 

(From the pages of my diary written on 23rd April 2012)

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"Last Words"

(Written on the Remembrance of my father who died of liver cancer on 29th June 2012, when he was only 56 years old)

He Never Passed, He shall Never Pass,
He don't speak but his words still surrounds me,
He don't stare but I know, I am still under observation,
The Body Dies but memory is Ever Present,

The Relation can't End because I still want to finish the Unfinished,
Want to share the Untold; I still want to feel his Presence,

 For him I was always Beautiful,
With him I used to fell Warm and Secured,
With him I feel, I am the best and there is no-one better than me,
He liked me the way I am; I was the best son for him,
He used to make me feel wonderful,
He used to elevate my self-respect and nourishes my superiority,
He was always Natural; he never pretended to be something he is not,
Artificiality never touched him,

He had done only one mistake that he trusted 'Celebration',
He loved celebration, he loved him so much that he forgotten everything for him,
And celebration told him that he is Ever- Present,
But celebration has an End,
He has never tried to understand this truth,
And thus He got cheated by 'Celebration',

I am a Part of him and I can never be detached,
There were times when we didn't Speak but we 'Understood',
There were times when we were not together but we 'Felt',
There were days when everyone seems strange but he was always my 'Own',
There were days when I Trusted nobody but he was always 'Along',

He has always being the Same,
He was same for my Glory and Doom,
He was same for my Failures and Accomplishments,

And when I felt I became somebody,
And it seemed people started loving me for my worthiness,
However because of my Usefulness for them,
I started abusing him for his Failures,
Being completely forgetful of the truth that,
Unlike others, He loved me not because I am something,
He loved my Unworthiness and Nothingness,
He loved my Inabilities and Scars,
Since, He started loving me when I was 'Nobody',

Its Raining Outside.

Its 5th April 2012,however its courtesy to inform that I am at my home,its exciting to let you know that Its Raining Outside. However I may be feeling rejoiced,my soul is dancing with each droplet,my heart is getting expectant with each thundering,but the surrounding inside my home is completely uninfluenced by outside rain.They are as usual overburdened with middle class Indian families common worries, discussions of ways to improve conditions,little more saving,hope for betterment,faith on God,Marriage,death and all.And the latest among them is My mothers one of the biggest aspiration of bringing home a new Electric Cooler and it seems this summer she will definitely do it.She is always the same whether its rain or not,whether its night or day.

I am sitting in my veranda in a sofa(however its the smallest of any possible size you could imagine) with legs folded the way we used to sit on the ground,this is the kind of sitting I am most comfortable with and I doesn't bother because I know people who say themselves sophisticated label it as " Dehati's( Rural people) used to sit like this".Anyhow I have chosen this place to sit so that being seated at a comfortable place I can watch the rain and write at the same time. I can feel the fresh air on my face, they are so pure and so fresh, they don't discriminate,they are for all,the same,they don't judge for who I Am, what I have,what position I hold,how I look,they can't be possessed by anyone,they can't be ruled,they can't be ordered,they can't be administrated and they can't be stopped,they love all and yet don't fall in love for anyone,they never get attached and yet they are never detached.

From my veranda I can hear my mothers discussion with a man who used to repair minor electric parts at my home.This man is given all contracts of electric/electronic repairmen of my home even though she knows he charges more.For supporting her cause of why she do so,She says he is a distant relative, however I have found out that since he knows our all relative (around 50) in this small town and once or more he has served all of them,my mother has so many common things to discuss with him,so she is comfortable with him.She prefers relationship based business than trying strangers with consciously ignoring the fact that they can be cheap and best.And this man for avoiding whose interruption I am sitting here is a rarely outspoken, extremely irritating personality who understand nothing other than machines and electronic devices. You can certainly come to this inference for this man that he loves all machines without discrimination, he dreams about latest models without hesitation, he fall in love with CD players,and his latest crush would be any new LCD Models. 

My veranda is not a very calm place and certainly not if you are planning for meditation.At present it is shelter for a couple of recently brought chickens by my mother.They are more for relationship purpose than profit because my mother used to talk to them, i am not going to translate that kind of talk because they are in Hindi and I am not comfortable in translating them.My younger brother says they are her company at the time of her loneliness.So my veranda is not a calm place because this newly brought couple makes sweet noise,sweet because its not disturbing but not insignificant enough to be not considered under the definition of noise.Before this new couple occupying my veranda,earlier it was Vijay's room. Okay i understand its important to introduce Vijay,Vijay is a temporarily brought beggar from roadside by my father being very sympathetic who later denied of leaving my home (certainly comfort and services were better at my home than what he previously used to get), and being little filmy we also started feeling something for him,so we adopted him. Wait wait i am not going to tell you anything about Vijay more than this because he is a very unique character and certainly deserve more than being part of a paragraph.So the purpose of mentioning Vijay was that I can still smell the fragrance of his outdated clothes which are still members of this room,one who sits here and knows Vijay can never be forgetful of the fact that once Vijay lived here.

Before ending wanted to let you know that the man obsessed with machine has just left my home. As he saw me writing something in dairy he commented Actually he simply asked this but I have taken it as comment, "Are you maintaining a/c in your dairy"? I hoped to become dragon and burn him into ashes but I left this serious abuse undisclosed,simply said "No" to him, since I was having good intention of not spoiling my mood.I have pity on such people for whom dairy is just for maintaining a/c.May be such people have pity on people like us who use dairy for purposes other than keeping a/c.

Its 2.59pm going to take a Nap,bye.

(From the pages of my dairy,4th April 2012)

"The God of Material"

There is a "God of Material" . Dissatisfaction is a dilemma created by God of Material for the so called Puppet to keep involved, dissatisfaction makes you restless and keep saying you go on,its not the End,you have to reach somewhere, but you can't reach anywhere,there is nothing where you have to reach,its the trap made by God of Material.

He thinks he is very creative but playing with the desire and misappropriating need can never be compared with creativity. The Greatest insult to Innovation is creating demand to satisfy needs which tries to mitigate physical comforts.

There is no extent to comfort,the more we get the more we develop need to be comfortable. Until there is need to get comfort there can never be a comfortable state.The Comfort is there when you know there is nothing like comfort.

The desire to comfort is the first stage to accept willingness for Rigidity.Since the Newton law says "Every physical body has the tendency to continue its state of rigidity until and unless an external force is applied". This means that the tendency to comfort is the proof that you are a Physical body. Then what's the fault, nobody can deny that I have a physical existence as a proof to the world that I exist.I hate sometimes this information that I am more than physical, sometimes I like to believe what seems easier and its easier to believe that I just have a physical existence and everything rest is fake to diverse the mind from enjoying being made up of material.Because it seems working against my comfort and I have a tendency to continue my state of comfort.

Easy acceptance of This what seems easier to believe shows our tendency to be in comfort,it is this desire to comfort keep moving you to reach somewhere,since there is no somewhere it keeps you dissatisfied,this dissatisfaction keeps you involved and it is this involvement which is the trap made by "God of Material".

Random's

A Part of me is Struggling for Freedom, What if Freedom doesn't exist? There can be a existence beyond awareness but this desired freedom may or may not fall under that definition. I don't know, it seems I never known freedom. But is that freedom undefined does has any meaning. Why there is need to find meaning? Sometimes meanings are not necessary to define existence.

Once I saw End of my Journey but I didn't went there because of the fear of death, however theoretically I was knowing that death doesn't exist or if it exist's then also it don't have authority to take away life, then why fear? I went back because of losing my present relationship status,but what about the relationship which never lasts....which exist's for forever....how can I be so short term oriented?

Why shouldn't my entire effort should be in making unconscious liberated from consciousness. The conscious should not Exist, its a trap to keep involved in world. I can feel present, its the present which has the omnipresence but still we ignore it. May be there is no present, past and future,may be there is no word to explain existence,may be there is existence just in imagination,Imagination to Exist...Imagination that we can feel,Imagination that we rule.

Life is a Poem, A song which is towards journey,A Journey to continue the life,the life which gives meaning, the meaning for Exploring, the Exploration for bringing New, the New is called "Creativity",Creativity is a word to get respect as a higher breed,

There is no creativity,

There is no difference,

Its just what we make others to believe that this should be considered as an act of creativity,

Its just what we make others believe that they have made a "Difference".

(These 4 paragraphs are separate and has no relation wit each other they are just put together..a collection of my random thoughts.)