The Mist (An answer to myself)

This mist of unclear confusing thoughts and ideas are not letting me see, I feel jammed. I know I need to see beyond this mist, I know my destiny awaits me and beyond this mist is my life – ready to run, and if not run at least a continuous walk.

But this mist is not leaving me as if now became a part of my existence, omnipresent. It may have a purpose-a positive one. Perhaps I must wait. I must keep patience.

For every journey even if a very ordinary one, should have few halts, however unplanned. Perhaps this part of my life is a halt, what I may not be able to see is that my halt is preparing me for the future battles that I am going to fight with myself and with the world- long ending battles that would require persistence and bravery. This halt was essential.

This mist seems to silently burn my patience thereby igniting my passion for a better world that I am going to see.

(From the pages of my dairy written on 30th July 2017)

Love That Consumes

If only, you had chosen to be more real and less fake, I would have chosen to be with you,

If only, you had chosen not to confirm social expectation and listened to your heart, you would have loved me more,

But unfortunately you had chosen to humiliate me and I felt your hatred for me,

For a while, I could have clearly seen your hatred for me in your eyes, in your body language, even in your laugh and still trying to fulfill the responsibility of loving,

Oh! No! Please don’t do that,

You loved the world and everything in it and forsaken me, how unfair you are to me?

How life could expect me to understand this?

And how to stop this hatred coming to me, because this knowing that you are hated by the one you loved the most, is making me less and less,

How not to self-hate?

How to accept theories, all theory, logic, rationality, seems meaningless,

It is kind of love that consumes, I know I should be out of it, for me to flourish, but I just can’t,

It’s so hard because when it’s not loud, I found it’s only you that occupies my inner space,

When it’s not noise, I could hear you speak to me,

When it’s not light, I could feel you staring me,

Is liberation from this possible?

Or

I am going to die with it,

And I wish, if only, you wouldn’t have hated me, I would have continued to be happy forever,

Self love, self care, they say it helps, do they?

I don’t think so,

Because deep inside, I am still waiting for you,

And my waiting has no time limit,

Because my heart resist’s,

It has learned to love that’s rare in a lifetime and now it refuses to unlearn,

I am trapped,

Now I will either live with this constant pain or die,

But I wish, one day…

May be Miracle………

(From the pages of my dairy, written on 3^rd July 2017, 10.30pm)