Love like Matru

 There rarely is a night when you are restless enough to not sleep & it is one such night for me. I can sense deeply that my sexuality is the biggest hurdle in the path of my liberation. Though I feel I am in a stage of my life when I’m least attached to any identity including this one, and I feel I can live happily without indulging in sexual relations ever. 

I feel I had my share of learning, this act of rubbing bodies for pleasure is not taking me anywhere. And I am getting to realize how animalistic it is, maybe someday I will be able to appreciate the art in it. Probably today is not the right time for it. I feel I am in a better position to revolt against my tendencies of falling into bondages than ever before. 

I feel a minimum degree of attachment to any friends or relatives I had close with, I feel I can live happily without them. Also, I found none of them a suitable companion on my path to liberation. 

I want to be alone & independent, except for someone special enough to be considered a worthy companion. Even I don't feel particularly obligated to fulfill worldly assigned responsibilities for any of them.

It might sound rude or unsympathetic, but considering the impediment these companies can cause, it seems a wise decision.

I feel loneliness is bliss, rarely do I find a company worth exchanging it with. The one such worthy company found so far was Matru (my dog), who, unfortunately, is no more. I think with him I was able to feel the highest possible form of love, which is rare with humans, almost impossible. 

His death has brought some drastic changes which I am not able to completely decipher for now. Maybe I have become more alert and at the same time more detached in relationships, or at least I try to be. My hope to get something from relationships and to take steps for maintaining them has reached its all-time minimum. 

Most humans will some time or another will make you realize that you are not worth living, you are disgusting, and most of them will try to use you as a means to something. They will make you realize at some point or other that your existence matters nothing to them, or at least it is exchangeable, and this is what makes Matru special. 

His eyes were filled with love for me as a prized treasure, his gaze reminds me that my existence is important. That I am not just a means to something. The one who actually cries when I leave and the only one who is really happy about my arrival.

The form of innocent love of wholeheartedness I experienced through him is exceptional. Any human who would learn even 10 percent of that will be worth human, otherwise, we are just a piece of conditioned machine. Coded by society to study for money, sex, or power, marry to procreate (another egoic action of expansion) or sex, accumulate, consume then die, after shitting the earth. 

To love like Matru, one has to drop the ego, then only your entire body will shake with the love brimming from the core of your being, and your tail will dance in the tune. I wish I too learn to love like him, impossible though.

Matru was dearest to me than most people in my life. The kind of warmth, & unconditional love I shared with him is rare to find in humans. Unfortunately, we couldn't save him, he died a premature death probably because of the negligence of local doctors and his family, who probably don’t understand the importance of the man & dog relationship. Probably I could never forgive them for this loss. 

This also makes me ask, can we humans ever give importance to animals & their lives as first-rate citizens? I feel for most of us, they are just a source of entertainment, & benefits. However, they claim to care for them, but is it our best? I see a few dedicated animal activists involved day & night in their service, where do we stand in comparison to a few of them? The truth is because of our long conditioning as a nonvegetarian eater, we probably have lost our sensitivity for them, as required. We value a human far more than animals, is it justified?

I feel most of us must once or more in our life have felt just like a stray dog. Helpless, no one around, homeless, no security of tomorrow. I felt the same often. Yet many of us kill animals for taste. I feel one of the most important tasks now is to make the world a kinder place to live for all species. And it must come from within, and no stupid logic should justify the killing of other animals. Accept it, you don't care about their life, you only care about your taste, isn't it?

I find it hard to attend parties where chicken or any other animal is slathered for taste, no amount of light, candles & music can stop me from feeling the pain of that helpless chicken because I feel that often, and you must have felt the same, sometimes in your life, but you learned to ignore that inner voice.

 Remember the time you are stuck in traffic no-one to talk no-one to blame, nobody waiting for you at home, nobody calling you to know if you are late at night, or when someone insults you, humiliates you for their egoic pleasure & you can’t retaliate because of some compulsion. When someone hurts you, blames you, being cruel to you for no apparent reason, you must have felt that cruelty, anger, and hatred, and now try to feel that for animals who feel the pain & suffering same as you. How can you ignore their pain?

We need a kinder world. Don't you agree?

(Personal opinions of the writer)

Identities: What’s my true identity?

I want to live in a world where no social, cultural, or biological identity is imposed on me. I want to be free from the pre-adjusted lens in the eyes of people, this suffocates me. I don't look at myself as restricted to any specific identity and don't behave accordingly, but sometimes or other in social or cultural settings, I am always expected to act according to some identities to which they assume I must belong.

 Somehow, I don't feel fit in any particular identity, and it all happens unknowingly and perhaps unwillingly. But I found most people find it hard not to see others not belonging to some identities. I infer it's almost impossible for people not to see you as such.

But the question is am I free from all identities? Or is it a wish of my ego, who is writing this my ego, or who? How can I know this? Maybe until I ask this question, I am not free from either ego or identities both of which come from the same center of the ‘I’ sense.

Is there a world where we are not expected to belong to identities? Where we have not been prescribed identities by birth or belonging to a culture or social setting. I feel since most people never rise from the level of their prescribed or ascribed identities, some form or other, it's also become impossible for them to imagine someone free from it.

I feel this is real freedom. And when it's done it happens effortlessly. You rise above it, without trying. But how it's done if I claim to do it? Maybe by knowing & always choosing to align yourself with the highest truth, the truth that liberates, the truth that we are all one manifestation of the same spiritual element.

Maybe this is all being written by my ego in his attempt to align itself with the highest truth. This is one of the closest reasons I could find now. But why did this need to write arise suddenly while I was reading Ashtavakra Gita? Maybe to give words to something from within bubbling for some expression.

But why it wants to be expressed? Why it can't be kept inside and bring some meaningful changes in me? Is it not an escape from facing some painful changes that the reading brought to me? How can I know this? Do I feel peaceful while writing? I can't say peaceful or not but at least I am here & now, mostly consumed in it, more than the rest of the day's activities & rest of the week’s activities.

And somewhere in the background, I could hear whispering Oh! This might be a masterpiece article for my blog, that must be ego. It's there as a never-off recording played; these days, however, I try not to pay attention to this recording, and then for some brief moments, I could feel peace, while gazing far through the trees among the mundane activities of day-to-day life.

And I was revealed that this recording was not of much importance. That time the person I am is very lovable. But he has nothing to say, he just wants to be quiet. Now certainly I feel peace while writing this.

Somehow people who assign me identities dishearten me because they become the testimony of their being a low person. These days this is my default judgment setting for people, which might change, I don't know.

I am not writing this in hatred, but in my disappointment, this makes me lose hope in a world I dream of, and certainly this person becomes ineligible for such a world. And believe me, the people I found eligible are less than five. They become representative of a less free world, but I have hope for them too.

I can always feel this huge pressure to belong to some group, class, community, social or cultural identity. Even if you don’t assign to one, people assume one for you based on the caste, religion, nation, state, the city you belong to, and unknowingly you have prescribed some roles and responsibilities accordingly. I feel this is no less than violence. Why? Because it’s taking away my freedom to be free from my identity, totally undermining that there is a world beyond it.

There is a truth, underlying all identities which don’t divide, separate, segregate, or categorize but unite. Until and unless we start talking & contemplating that reality, we as a human race can never attain our highest goal, which is liberation from our limited identifications of body, we shall remain a slave to our bodies. Unfortunately, very few are talking about that, and my highest respect is only for such people & efforts.